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Horno (2009)

DVD Cover (Sub Rosa Studios)
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4.7
 / 10
2 votes
Genres:
Horror, Horror Comedy, Sex Horror, Zombie Film
Director:
Terrence Williams Terrence Williams
Starring:
Carlos Javier Castillo Carlos Javier Castillo
Oceana Christopher Oceana Christopher
Jesselynn Desmond Jesselynn Desmond
Kenneth Dunn Kenneth Dunn
Ingrid Nicole Kennedy Ingrid Nicole Kennedy
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Review by Chad
Added: November 08, 2010
"It's not a porno film - it's a horno film!" So reads the tagline for Horno, a film that attempts to blend together the horror genre with the (softcore) porn genre. It's been done before, naturally, but I'm always up for one of these movies and I usually tend to enjoy them. Honestly, what could be better than picking two of the sleaziest genres in film and blending them together? Who doesn't want to see a bunch of blood and guts alongside a huge amount of T&A? These movies certainly have an audience, and I am quite proud to be counted amongst them.

The storyline for this one goes a little something like this: Ron (Carlos Javier Castillo), a successful porn director hot off the heels of the smash hit Jehova's Witness Anal Sluts, has decided to do something revolutionary for his next project, that being to blend together horror and porn. It's been done countless times in the real world, but it's a novel concept in this universe and his producer quickly sees money signs at the prospect. Thus, Ron sets out to create Children of the Cornhole, a charming little tale about zombies who spread their disease via sodomy.

Everything is going well at first. Ron has assembled a great cast of veterans including Caroline Bottoms (Oceana Christopher), Samantha Good Head (Jesselynn Desmond), Jenna (Ingrid Nicole Kennedy), Carl Strong (Mitchell Roy), and Kirk Ryder (Antonio Royuela), and he's also tapped a few porn legends to appear in cameos by way of Dick Nasty (Terrence Williams) and Laura Love (Audrey Orozco). The cast is feeling the movie, the effects are decent, and the smut is flying fast and furious... but then, the unthinkable happens. Dick Nasty comes into possession of a batch of pills of unknown origin, so naturally, he and Laura decide to smoke them. Unfortunately for them, this causes Laura to turn into a zombie and bite Dick's namesake off, and I believe that it goes without saying that this excuses him from his cameo. He does show up on set though, and he proceeds to spread his zombie sickness by... well, they say that life imitates art, so take that as you will.

Horno, contrary to what you may be thinking, is not a hardcore porno film. Aside from a fake penis, there is not a single scene that even dabbles in hardcore territory: the sex is simulated and left to the imagination, and there are no genitalia shots to be found. Oh, sure, there's loads of boobs and scantily-clad women, but that's as far as it goes. I actually prefer this approach, as this allows the filmmaker to spend more time with the storyline and less time with the sex scenes.

So, you're going to get a lot of boobs and women out of this release. Does it bring anything else to the table to set it aside from the countless other films that do the same? Well, yes, actually. There is plenty of humor on display here, and though it may offend some of the more sensitive viewers, I personally had a blast with it. Watching a gay man and an uppity porn starlet bicker over a blowjob sequence and listening to another young lady discuss enema flavors to be used in conjunction with her upcoming ass-eating scene probably won't put a smile on everyone's face, but I got some good laughs out of it.

As for the horror side of things, Horno is your typical low-budget zombie flick. The zombies are hand-painted, the blood is serviceable but nowhere near snuff quality, and it all plays out in a way that we have seen countless times before. This is not necessarily a complaint, mind you, but those of you who don't enjoy the zombie genre as much as yours truly may be disappointed. I will give the filmmakers credit for a nice gut-eating sequence, and a few bonus points for using those guts to strangle a zombie.

Horno is a short little film, running for just over forty-five minutes, but it brings plenty of laughs, lots of boobs, and an adequate amount of the red stuff in its short running time. It ain't high art, but for fans of sleaze, it's a great way to spend an hour. 8/10.
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Lucid Dreams #1: Lucid Dreams - added 11/08/2010, 11:11 AM
What the fuck?
axle parker #2: axle parker - added 11/12/2010, 05:00 AM
i hate zombie movies
Bill Wolford #3: Bill Wolford - added 10/22/2013, 04:54 AM
When you rent or go out to the movies, your one basic reason is to be entertained. You want to have a good time, and you want to be able to feel that it was time and money well spent. Every once in a while though you find a film that is so bad, so boring, and so idiotic on every level that you make it your mission to tell everyone you know to stay far, far away from it. To spare them the money and time that you wasted in agony on it. Horno is one of those films. This film is so bad, that if you see it, you might remember it longer than your favorite film simply because if someone ever mentions it, you want to be ready to warn them to stay far away or they will become scarred like you did from viewing it.

Every type of sad excuse for a joke falls flat. Every sight gag is terrible. Everyone's acting skills are across the board horrible. This is the type of movie that hurts your head. The type of movie that "bad movie" lovers watch over and over again while drunk. If thats your way to be entertained, then so be it. I am not a lover of bad movies. I want to be entertained. Sometimes I am entertained by what others consider bad movies. This however, is beyond bottom of the barrel painful. The movie runs 50 minutes. Less than an episode of your favorite T.V. show. Yet, it still seems like it drags on. This film has been called tasteless and offensive by others. That's giving it way too much credit. It's just a complete waste of time. Do yourself a favor and stay away from this.
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