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Bikini Girls On Ice (2009)

DVD Cover (Well Go USA)
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 / 10
4 votes
Horror, Sadistic Horror, Slasher Film
Geoff Klein Geoff Klein
Cindel Chartrand Cindel Chartrand
Danielle Doetsch Danielle Doetsch
William Jarand William Jarand
Suzi Lorraine Suzi Lorraine
Christina Sciortino Christina Sciortino
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Review by Chad
Added: October 03, 2011
With a title like Bikini Girls on Ice, you sort of know what you're getting yourself into when you press play. I was in the mood for some mindless fun, some jiggling ladies in skimpy bikinis, a maniacal serial killer, and some violence and bloodshed. It's a simple enough request, and again, with a title like Bikini Girls on Ice, I was hoping for the best. Unfortunately, even though it did deliver on some of the things that the title promised, I can't really say that I was terribly impressed.

The story is as simple as you'd expect, and it centers around a group of coeds who are going to be putting on a bikini car wash to raise some money for their soccer team. Led by best friends Jenna (Cindel Chartrand) and Sam (Danielle Doetsch), as well as the bitchy Lena (Christina Sciortino), the dozen or so girls pile onto a bus and head out for a day of car-washing. Unfortunately, their bus breaks down next to an old, seemingly abandoned gas station, so the girls decide to just make the best of it and hold their car wash there. What they don't count on is this gas station being home to a demented serial killer, and it doesn't take long before the bodies begin to pile up.

As for the good, well... there's about a dozen girls in here, and true to the title, every one of them spends just about every minute of the running time decked out in a bikini. There's about three seconds of honest to goodness boobs to be found, but hey, it wasn't called Naked Girls on Ice, so I can begrudgingly excuse that. What I can not excuse is how dull the movie becomes once you get past the bikinis - it seems as though the filmmakers got a couple of girls together, convinced them to appear in the film, and just sort of winged it from there.

For starters, there are a handful of deaths, but there is almost nothing in the way of gore. Each kill is presented in the same fashion: we'll see the victim laying on the ground, the killer will raise his sledgehammer / axe / knife / whatever in the air, and we'll watch him swing it downwards. We never see it connect with the victim, we never see the grisly aftermath, and save for one or two scenes, we never even see a drop of blood. A proper slasher flick sort of requires inventive or at least bloody kills, so completely skipping on that was a huge downer in my eyes.

Speaking of the killer, he is your typical cookie-cutter villain. He's a guy who only communicates in grunts and screams, he has zero back-story, and no motive for his crimes are given. Granted, this is nothing new in the slasher genre, but something - anything - to set the film apart from the pack would have been appreciated, and this is one spot where I felt that the film could have done that. Sadly, he's just a guy with long, greasy hair who grunts a lot.

Honestly, besides the flock of attractive ladies in bikinis, the only positive thing about the film is the fact that the director seems to know what he is doing behind the camera. The film is competently shot and there are actually a few moments of genuine tension, but when there is nothing interesting going on in front of that camera, this is sort of a weak perk. Still, I have to give credit where credit is due.

Overall, I just can't recommend it, and in fact, it's sort of telling that I watched half of the movie yesterday and the other half today - I just couldn't get through the entire thing in one sitting. I'll give it credit for delivering the "bikini girls" part of the title and I'll even concede that, yes, some of them were put "on ice", but I simply can't recommend a film that puts me to sleep with its glacial pace and lack of anything even remotely interesting. 3/10.
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Crispy #1: Crispy - added 10/16/2011, 06:49 PM
I didn't think it was that bad. Wasn't phenomenal, but it did what I expected it to do. 5/10
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