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Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)

DVD Cover (Image Entertainment)
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 / 10
4 votes
Action Thriller, Biker Film, Nunsploitation
Joseph Guzman Joseph Guzman
Asun Ortega Asun Ortega
David Castro David Castro
Perry D'Marco Perry D'Marco
Maxie Santillan Jr. Maxie Santillan Jr.
Sarah Emmons Sarah Emmons
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Review by Chad
Added: June 17, 2012
Nude Nuns with Big Guns began its life as a film within Joseph Guzman's Run! Bitch Run!, a movie that I watched last year and wasn't exactly blown away by. At the time, I assumed that it was nothing more than something along the lines of those fake Grindhouse trailers: a few minutes of cheese with a great title, but nothing would ever come of it. How wrong I was. Yes, Guzman actually turned Nude Nuns into a feature film, and with a title like that, what fan of trash could possibly say no to it? Today was the day that I took the plunge, and unfortunately, I found that it suffered from the same problems that plagued Run! Bitch Run!.

The storyline begins with an introduction to a priest who puts his nuns to work cutting and selling cocaine, and this is where most of the "nude nuns" comes into play - they are forced to work nude, save for their nun's veil. The drugs are then sold by the priests to a local biker gang run by the ruthless Chavo (David Castro) and his enforcers Kickstand (Xango Henry) and Half-Breed (Robert Rexx), and everything is going great... until one of the nuns decides to steal some of the product for herself. She is quickly killed for her theft, and the priest in charge decides to hand one of the more attractive nuns over to Chavo to make up for the incident. Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega) is the nun in question, and yes, she is a looker. This works against her as she is repeatedly drugged and raped, up until she manages to escape her captors. Soon, we discover that "God talked to her" and told her to get revenge on those who wronged her, and thus begins her reign of terror (and also explains the "big guns" part of the title).

I know what you're thinking: how could this possibly go wrong? This sounds like a winner already, right? Unfortunately, it's not. While it's true that it did deliver everything that the title promised (there are indeed nude nuns, and yes, one of them wields big guns), the problem is that the director repeated all of the same mistakes that he made in Run! Bitch Run!. I was a little more lenient on that one seeing as it was his debut film and it showed promise, but I just can't do it again.

Here's the thing: the first ten minutes sets the film up wonderfully. We get the nude nuns that we were promised, we are introduced to the characters, we learn the situation, and it begins like any decent movie should. The final twenty minutes delivers a great showdown between a pissed off nun with big guns and those who screwed her over, and yes, it is rather enjoyable to watch; in fact, if you read that and thought that it sounded entertaining, I guarantee that you will love the finale.

The problem is the hour's worth of film in between. The concept of "wronged nun gets revenge" is a simple one, but it's not enough to support a feature length film without a little something else thrown in or at least wall-to-wall violence. Nude Nuns gives us neither. It's simply an hour's worth of padding with the occasional sprinkling of revenge and / or rape thrown in to keep us awake, but it moves at such a slow pace that you will be constantly checking the remaining time on the disc. The bikers go looking for the nun, they come up empty, they call the priest, the priest gives them a lead, they go hunting again, come up empty, repeat as necessary... yawn.

Oddly enough, the film features another problem straight out of Guzman's previous film: too much nudity. I know, this is a bizarre complaint to make, but hear me out. For the most part, the women in this film are not very attractive... but that makes sense in the plot. The nuns are a little on the older side, while the strippers working at the seedy strip joints are either a little too chubby or a little too drug-addled. Suffice it to say that with few exceptions, there's not much in the way of "attractive women getting naked" - but again, this makes sense. You're not going to see models serving as nuns, and you're not going to see porn starlets working at a shitty strip club in the middle of nowhere. However, every freaking scene shows at least one of these ladies getting naked. If I wanted softcore porn, I would have, you know, watched a softcore porn with women that were at least attractive.

I realize that I have done nothing but bitch about the film in this review, but honestly, I can't call it complete and utter trash (the bad kind of trash). It has an entertaining concept driving it, while Asun Ortega is pretty good in her lead role. The entire film is presented as one of those grindhouse throwbacks, so if you're a fan of that kind of sleaze, you'll enjoy the way that this film was shot - it looks great, and the score (mostly) fits in perfectly. As I also mentioned, I really enjoyed the ending, and there were a handful of decent kills prior to those closing scenes. It's just a shame that it is dragged down by so much padding and so much content that should have been found in the "deleted scenes" section of the DVD.

Perhaps I would have enjoyed it more if the film was presented as a thirty-minute short or if it had something more going for it in the way of plot, but as it stands, I simply can't give it much of a recommendation. It's not horrible, but don't rush out to pick up a copy... even if that title and the synopsis sounds right up your alley, you're likely going to walk away disappointed. 5/10.
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