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King Of The Ants
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WOW. This freaking movie smacked me upside the
head. Not with a golf club, but hey, close enough.
A fucked up film where everything
goes wrong, and when it starts to go right,
everything goes straight to shit again. What can I
say that hasn't already been said? Uh, if you hate
Baldwins, go for it. If you want to see a really,
really, really hot woman who will never give you
the time of day get naked and get laid, this is
for you.
If you want to see what a good
acid trip revenge fest would look like, go for it,
too. How's that?
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Reservoir Dogs
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So. Quentin Tarantino. A kooky little man, to say
the least. Brilliant, too, don't forget that.
He broke into the scene with this one, so
to speak. There's no way in HELL I could complain
about anything about this flick. It's actually
pretty much not original at all, plot-wise.
Execution-wise, though. Oooh boy, you bet it's
something different.
Either way. If
you want one of the scariest, yet most enjoyable
scenes of all time put to celluloid (and you know
which one I'm talking about), this is it.
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Videodrome
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Okay...do you need porn, violence, and a message?
See this flick. I just managed to track down the
special edition DVD, and lemme tell you, unrated
this movie is the best. Okay, not the best, but
damn near! You've got your Cronenberg fascination
with the concept of "flesh." And hey, can't blame
the man. Flesh is cool. Especially when The woman
from Blondie is shoving a cigarette into her
breast (Remember when women with meat on their
bones were hot? I miss that). Then there's the
effects...Rick Baker is always the shit when it
comes to such, and the pulsating sets and
...vagina VCR, for lack of a better term, are
among the greats. Add to that a guy and a girl
with the name "O'Blivion" and you have yourself
one of the best movies made in the last fifty
years, if not ever.
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Sin City
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Rodriguez, you bastard, you did it again!
Style-wise, story-wise, hell, even acting-wise,
this flick nails it. He quit the DGA and shit for
it. In my opinion, totally worth it. Yes, I had
read some of the comic books before hand, and damn
does it all work out so well. Nothing is wrong
with the film, literally, everything is perfect
(okay, some of the music wasn't so good, but
whatever, for once I'll ignore that). Props to go
Mr. Rourke. Marv was the man. It makes me proud
some actors can still pull it off. And the hookers
were nice eye candy. Then again we have the gore
and guts. I think this is the first non-Italian
movie I've seen where someone's...eh, I won't
mention it, but DAMN! People need to see this. For
once it proves that a guy with a pretty decent
budget can make a REAL movie that wasn't churned
out of a Plot-O-Matic 3000 machine. Best movie all
year!
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The Fly
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Gooey. Creepy. Fucking scary. Cronenberg is the
man when he needs to be. And this role Jeff
Goldblum was meant to play. Screw that guy in
Jurassic Park. Here he gets to be his nervous
tic-for-every-occasion self! Go man, go! As we all
know, this is a remake of the 1950's flick with
the esteemed Vincent Price. This is so much
better. Our buddy the webmaster has pretty much
hit this all on the head like a rabid gopher being
put down. And if you ever, ever contemplate having
kids with a mad scientist, this movie will show
you it's NEVER a good freakin' idea, kids! Buy it!
Now! Don't tape it! Give the stars and makeup guys
(who deserve healthy pats on the back and some
high quality hookers) the money they've richly
earned.
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AVP: Alien vs. Predator
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Actually, Paul Anderson has been quoted as saying
this was pretty much the movie he wanted to make.
This movie's sort of...eh? Yeah. Eh. That
describes it. The only thing I got off on were all
the little nods to both the Alien and Predator
series'. Lance Henriksen is the man, and he should
have more parts. (And while we're at it. WHY DID
MILLENIUM GET CANCELLED WHEN IT WAS TWELVE TIMES
BETTER THAN THE X-FILES?!). No characterization
besides "oh, look, he speaks Italian" or whatever.
The fights are okay, with some cool technological
upgrades for the Predators. A few nice money shots
(all about the facehuggers). And finally, thanks
to that damnable CG, the Queen gets to do her
thing. But all in all, again. Eh.
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Hellraiser
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Here's something. Clive Barker's probably one of
the best authors ever. The Hellbound Heart was an
excellent little novella, and is perfect for a
movie. Though the written word does make the
terror more...palpable as the human imagination
fills in the Cenobites' appearance, they aren't
the characters (something the second sequel lost).
This is a story about humanity, or lack thereof.
What people will do for their own kicks. Scarier
than any Hell imaginable, in my opinion.
LeMarchand's Box (forgive any spelling errors) is
something wonderful and terrifying. It's in every
human's nature to look for things...yet the lesson
is, we can very well mess ourselves up by it.
Great movie. The first sequel is pretty
good, and the series should have ended there.
However, I say see this, and then maybe read the
book. The man can write, and direct. So enjoy!
Author's Note: The Cenobites are
some of the creepiest things ever. S&M freaks from
the Moon, I call them. Or something.
FREEEEEAKEEEEE!
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Resident Evil: Apocalypse
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This is the problem with movies. Something so
terribly stupid you just have to take it or leave
it. We're asked to believe so many script
contrivances and sheer dumbness all for the sake
of entertainment and...
...I'm sorry,
I fell for it. Don't get me wrong, I can dig a lot
of "deep" movies (just look at some other stuff
I've reviewed!), but this flick helps me get away
from everything. That and come on. Milla.
Jovovich. Is. The. Sexiest. Woman. Ever. The
acting here isn't great, but it does. And one more
thing. My main problem with the original movie was
the one CG zombie (and the fact the best scene in
a ZOMBIE MOVIE had no zombies in it) and general
lack of undead carnage. Now we get the Nemesis in
full practical effect glory...if only he was in it
more.
All in all...this movie
reminds me of Battlefield Earth. Just not as
stupid. If you want to let your hair down, take a
couple shots or a hit or two of the bong, and
chill with some friends, enjoy!
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Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines
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Oookay. I went into this movie with very little
hope. After all, we're missing James Cameron and
most of all, Linda Hamilton. Surprisingly enough,
they did something I didn't expect. This is not a
happy movie, no matter how funny it can be (and
believe me, Arnold is at his finest right here!),
it still has quite a downer for an ending. I
didn't think Hollywood pulled this any more. Keep
it up! And the thing people are all agog about,
the T-X, I don't know about. Sure, she was hot,
and provided a lot of circumstantial humor, but
the T-1000 is still cooler. But all in all,
definitely keeping in line with the series. It's
worth a look, if not necessarily a buy.
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Saw
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2004 had a deluge of shitty movies. THIS ISN'T ONE
OF THEM! This movie is genius. Your mind is messed
with from the moment it begins. Non-linear
storytelling is a hard thing to do, yet these guys
pull it off masterfully. Taking a hint from both
Reservoir Dogs and every Dario Argento film ever
made, and combining them perfectly, we have Saw.
Best movie last year, for sures. I did get a heavy
Se7en vibe from this thing...but that didn't ruin
it. The reverse bear trap scene was quite tense.
And the end...yeah, people will talk about the end
for years. To say it quite easily...you aren't
going to see it coming. I'm so friggin' glad
there's going to be a sequel!
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Dracula 2000
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God this movie is dumb. Like. Really, really,
really stupid. It's all style, no substance (okay,
one bit of substance, but we'll get to that).
Sure, it's dumb. But damn. The Judas idea
is pretty smart. Wasting Danny Masterson (who
should be more famous than Ashton "I can't play
anyone but Kelso" Kutcher) is a bad idea, as is
the always good Chris Plummer. The acting isn't
bad, thankfully, and Gerard Butler is the BEST
Dracula (at least, he looks it, all predatory and
shit) since Christopher Lee.
As one
last deal, I must say. Sex on the ceiling.
Definitely cool!
A great soundtrack,
too. And used pretty well throughout the
movie.
Anyways. If you want something
thoughtful, go for Near Dark or something similar.
If you want an empty, dumb vampire movie with sexy
people all around, a refined actor slumming, cool
music, and a lot of style, this is your ticket.
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Underworld
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I like vampires. I like werewolves. I like action.
And Kate Beckinsale in skintight clothing? What
went wrong?
Uh, first of all, for a
movie purported to be Romeo and Juliet for the
supernatural, where the fuck is the love story? If
what we see is true, why would one kiss change
this bloodsucking woman's mind? Exactly. Way too
thin.
Second of all, there are the
characters. Sure, Selene and her boytoy are sort
of developed, enough to be believable, but the
rest are simply cartoons. I must say a bunch of
fine pale chicks are good for me, though.
Third, the action. I do love the action,
yes, but it's used too sparingly. This is a "war"
we're talking about! And the final confrontation
was just too short. And after Freddy Vs. Jason,
I'm expecting climactic world-shaking struggles
here.
At any rate, this is a
middling movie. The best scene involves an APC
remix. I felt some power going on there, but other
than that...eh. I was hoping for more.
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The Crazies
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I do agree with our friend the webmaster on
this...partially. But if you like 28 Days
Later...GUESS WHERE THEY STOLE HALF THEIR IDEAS
FROM?! This is Romero's hatred of authority taken
to a brand new level. I can't say it's anything
brilliantly new, but if you want something that
says be distrustful of the government, this is it!
But definitely not the best of Romero's movies. It
moves pretty nicely, has its moments, but nothing
too mindblowing. A must for Romero completists,
but otherwise, I say leave it be.
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Day Of The Dead
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For years, people said this was the worst of
Romero's trilogy. They're so wrong. Romero says
it's his favorite, and I agree with him. It all
comes down to this. If the whole zombie deal did
go down, the world wouldn't end with a bang, but
with a whimper. Just like this movie. It's also
the most positive, showing some regrowth. The gore
effects, which no doubt will be mentioned, kick
major ass. Captain Rhodes and the shovel-face
interaction being some personal favorites. And one
more thing. I love Bub. If only some people these
days could evoke as much emotion as I got from
Bub. He was like a lost child or something. People
might overlook this in favor of Dawn or Night, but
personally, this is indeed the best of the
trilogy, and should be watched a pair of times.
Again reflecting on the decade it was made in, Day
focuses on the self-centeredness, the vulgarity,
the sheer assholery. So...watch this, please, I
beg of you. In closing...
Helloooo
aunt Aliciiaaaa
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Night Of The Living Dead
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This movie fucks with you. From scene one, your
expectations are changed. Barbara's competent in
the beginning, but then she finally breaks down (I
would've sooner). Ben -- whose race is never ONCE
mentioned -- is right about things, he has his
shit together. But in the end, the cellar is the
hiding place, the same one he argued about. The
two young kids, who always live through these
things, are some of the first to die. This movie
teaches us that NO ONE is safe. Not from the
undead, not from eachother, and definitely not
from The Man. This movie reflects the decade it
was made in -- innocence breaking, distrust,
paranoia. Romero is the master of his craft, and
this proves it. With bare bones for a budget, he
made what is now the de facto "bible" for modern
zombie movies. Shoot 'em in the head, right? My
only real gripe is minor. The music sometimes
sucked, but it was from a stock library. I can let
that go. Go see this movie. Posthaste,
immediately, right NOW!
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Requiem For A Dream
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Have you ever wanted to feel what it's like to
lose four of your best friends? Probably not. But
you'll feel it. Through the direction, nearly
schizophrenic in its execution, you'll feel the
disorientation, the rush, the adrenaline of
emotions conflicting. You want to hate these
people, you want to sob for them. Which means
they're human, like you and me. But the best part
of this movie is one thing, besides the acting,
script, and everything else. The music. This is
possibly the best score for a film I've ever heard
and owned. Heartwrenching, terrifying, stupefying.
I've heard from a friend of mine that this flick
hits "too close to home." Well...that's the point.
This is a horror movie in the most literal sense
of the word. No stupid teens getting axed, just
people falling to desire for something wrong. If
you don't cry, wince, feel the need to expel
bile...I highly doubt you have emotions.
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Pi
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"My mom told me never to look at the sun. When I
was six. I did it." Paraphrasing, of course. But
probably the best quote ever. From what is quite
probably the best movie. Ever. To put it bluntly,
this movie made me want to learn Hebrew. This
movie made me like math. This is a film that was
made for Ben Affleck's tailoring costs. Yet it's
better than anything you'll see in theaters. I
won't describe the plot, that's done elsewhere.
What I will describe how Pi is brilliant.
Soundtrack, the use of shadow and light (much like
Night of the Living Dead, the black and white adds
a rather...dreamlike/nightmarish quality to it),
the characterization. And finally...what has got
to be one of the most confusing plots ever made.
Side to side, up and down, inverted, Pi blows your
mind into several thousand pieces, makes each of
those pieces think, then crams it all back
together. I'd say anybody who could sit through A
Clockwork Orange would like this. See this. Don't
watch it. Inhale it.
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Jaws
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I gots ta' disagree with people here, in some
ways. Yes, there are portions of the movie I just
couldn't sit through without twitching. However.
This movie gave us so many cliches that are still
followed today. Why? Because they worked so well!
The mayor not closing the beaches, and all of that
stuff. Not to mention what may be the most
well-known piece of music ever made. Suspense is
all over this schmeer, man. Funny enough, my
favorite scene really doesn't involve the shark.
It's when the three dudes are on the boat,
discussing the scars they have...and Brody pulls
up his shirt, the appendix scar showing. It just
makes you think "he's in over his head." So...go
little guy, kick some ass.
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Zombie
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And...nobody's noticed this movie. Why is this.
Tell me! The opposite of everything Romero did (at
least plot-wise or whatever). Is it better than
the "Dead" trilogy? No. Is it positively sickening
in its portrayal of zombies? Si! And that is so a
compliment! Why?! Flying in the face of sense, the
corpses that have been rotting in this Caribbean
jungle hellhole are fairly well intact...but my my
aren't they just the most disgusting thing ever?
Best. Makeup. Ever. As a sidenote, this has one of
the creepiest themes of all time. Now where else
do you get to see a zombie fight a shark? Or what
is, in my humble opinion, the best gore scene ever
made, in both intensity and effects (And you damn
well better know the scene when you see it!)?
Right here, baby. Let's give Fulci a big round of
applause and a hearty "rest in peace."
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Dawn Of The Dead
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Yeah, so now I've discovered I can rant about
movies. And oh, the joy that fills me. Let's start
with what everyone considers a great, great
classic. Sure, there's no CG, but A. you get your
social commentar, B. some of the zombies do look
good. The acting is pretty okay, and you get Tom
Savini acting. And making gore shoot everywhere.
Romero is, always has been, and shall be forever
more the master of zombies - and other such creepy
things. It doesn't have the sheer gut-punching (or
should that be munching? Let's laugh at the bad
joke and humor the author...please?) impact that
Night of the Living Dead had. But that's totally
relative. Why don't we pass up the "re-imagining"
for this, and see that horror (or, in some
circles, you could count this as a black comedy)
doesn't have to be shiny. All hail zombies that
don't run!
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