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Posted by Vash on March 12, 2009
Blindness
Blindness i saw this in theatres and it actually made me want to kick myself in the dick. every character bugged me and just... the central conceit of the movie just did not work for me at all. the decisions the characters made just made me even more angry and ugh. not good.
Posted by Vash on December 06, 2008
Role Models
Role Models wow, again, agreed. this might be one of the funniest movies i've seen this year, which was a huge surprise. everything paul rudd says is funny, and the kid who plays Ronny had incredible delivery. the "fuck you, miss daisy!" line was perfect. there were so many lines i didn't expect in this kind of movie. "he's the guy who did the music for 'the sting.'" "good movie." fucking golden. jane lynch dancing out from behind the television was also amazing. yeah, definitely one of the funnier movies of the year, and proof that rudd can carry a movie on his own and not every single fucking comedy needs to star seth "i'm a stupid kike" rogen.
Posted by Vash on November 25, 2008
The Foot Fist Way
The Foot Fist Way for the first time ever, tristan is an idiot, and bluemeanie is right. except for calling him "danny 'r' mcbride," which i don't even think he's billed as, but whatever. this movie is fucking hilarious, but i think it requires at least one additional viewing to pick up on exactly how witty and quotable it is. pretty much every single thing mcbride says is hilarious, and jody hill's character is incredible. the entire party scene with chuck... wow. amazing.
Posted by Vash on November 23, 2008
Loaded Weapon 1
Loaded Weapon 1 wow dude, the fact that you even reviewed this erases the entire hating you because you're an idiot thing. this movie is a seriously underrated classic - a childhood favourite of mine, to say the least. i must have watched this movie a hundred times as a kid, and rewatched it recently with my dad and brother. "what the hell do you expect? your foot's on fire!" too many lines. pretty much everything william shatner says is gold, and the entire opening scene, from the crushing of the pipe to whoopi goldberg's death... brilliant. i love you for reviewing this.
Posted by Vash on November 21, 2008
Zack And Miri Make A Porno
Zack And Miri Make A Porno i don't think a single person can argue that robinson stole the show in this movie. far and away its saving grace. even his "i make coffees for people" line made me laugh. but yeah, the rest... forgettable. worst film of the year is a bit strong but it's definitely not something i'd ever feel inclined to watch again. seth rogen sucks. also, i like that bluemeanie's retort came about four hours later :) glad to see i got a fun retort instead of a serious one for once. let the healing begin, handsome.
Posted by Vash on November 09, 2008
Zack And Miri Make A Porno
Zack And Miri Make A Porno i actually kind of agree, oddly enough, with this review. it wasn't as bad as he's making it out to be, but it wasn't amazing. there are a few choice lines - one of which comes in that cut to the characters talking while zack and miri have sex. "anyone catch the last episode of lost?" it's not relevant because that's the joke. then again bluemeanie wouldn't know comedy if it shat on his chest. but that isn't the point - the point is, seth rogen sucks. he sucks so bad. not only is he a carbon copy of his one dimensional slacker character in literally EVERY movie that he's in, but he is one of the least funny people working today. how can apatow get all these talented guys - paul rudd, james franco, jason segel, bill hader - and give every single job to seth rogen and jonah hill, who are just variations on the same annoying archetype? i love the double standard of kevin smith having his friends come hang out on his movies, but when apatow does it, it's somehow artistic. fuck that. the reason the movie fails IS because smith is riffing on the apatow formula, but not because he fails to "understand" it - it's because the formula sucks. you can tell he's letting rogen adlib in a few scenes, and they're terrible. everyone gets on kevin smith's case because his dialogue is unnatural, but that's the point. there's character and fluidity to it. apatow's "everyman" dialogue is, first of all, NOT how people actually talk, and secondly, NOT FUNNY. if smith had stuck to his guns, the movie would work, as proven by lines like... well, everything craig robinson says. let's hope this kickstarts the apatow/rogen backlash and we can stop seeing shitty fucking movies from this played out crew. PS: bluemeanie is a fat twink.
Posted by Vash on August 17, 2008
Pineapple Express
Pineapple Express i really liked this one, but seth rogen sucks. he was playing the straight man, but even still, nothing he said or did made me laugh once. every other person in the movie was killing - even fucking rosie perez. fuck seth rogen. i'm aware he wrote the movie, but that means he should stay the fuck behind the camera. aside from that, danny mcbride is possibly one of the funniest people in movies at the moment, and they need to tell all the shitty apatow guys (rogen, baruchel, hill, et al.) to eat shit and let mcbride have every single one of their roles. brilliant. franco was great, and i wish gary cole had more scenes as well. all around very enjoyable.
Posted by Vash on August 06, 2008
X2: X-Men United
X2: X-Men United haha, good call on this one, man. SO good. the intro scene with nightcrawler, the prison break scene with magneto, the shot of the lake at the end... singer really kicked ass with this one on every level. this movie is what makes X3 one of the biggest disappointments of the last few years, but it still stands alone as one of the finest superhero movies to date, if not THE best.
Posted by Vash on July 28, 2008
The Dark Knight
The Dark Knight totally didn't catch the mad hatter thing. i've always wanted him to be in a movie, but i always figured they'd go for someone like the riddler for the next one. you never know, though. a lot of the bat-villains are just take-offs on the joker, so i hope they pick someone who can really create their own persona in the nolan series. mad hatter and riddler are great, but i think they're too close to the joker to really stand on their own.
Posted by Vash on July 27, 2008
Catwoman
Catwoman why did they name her patience phillips..?
Posted by Vash on July 27, 2008
The Dark Knight
The Dark Knight SPOILER!

also, can someone settle the argument of whether or not two-face is dead? i'm on the record as saying he is not. if he IS, then that's a huge waste of a character that they spent two and a half hours building up. also, they base the movie around this guy, and his denoument is a quick fall off a not-very-high building? this is why i think he's alive. that, and the fact that they didn't actually show him being buried or anything at the memorial. obviously the joker's resolution was left hanging (ha) due to obvious circumstances, but i felt that the two-face thing was way too open-ended. the movie is long anyway, five minutes of exposition at the end of it wouldn't have killed anybody.

bluemeanie sucks, although we do pretty much agree on this movie, so i can't hate on him for that. he still sucks, though.
Posted by Vash on July 27, 2008
X-Men
X-Men dude, watch the second one. out of all the superhero/comic adaptations, X2 and spidey 2 were probably my favourites. it's interesting to note that this movie sort of kick-started the whole comic book movie craze. it was huge to see a comic book movie that a) didn't suck (batman and robin?) and b) stayed true to the source material (judge dredd!?) after so long. then spider-man came along and... here we are. anyway, a great franchise starter with an exponentially better sequel... and an abhorrently, almost offensively awful threequel.
Posted by Vash on July 27, 2008
Batman & Robin
Batman & Robin that pumpkins song totally rules. works better in the watchmen trailer, though :)
Posted by Vash on July 27, 2008
Batman Forever
Batman Forever i dont know why no one else ever notices that all the villains in the batman sequels were just riffing off nicholson's joker. lame. this one gets a lot of shit but it isn't nearly as bad as batman and robin. i can still sit through this if i'm extremely bored and it happens to be on tv. kilmer is slighted mainly because of the movie itself, but he's great as bruce, even with his ridiculous enunciation of "i am batman!" in the party scene. this movie would never fly nowadays, so let's be thankful that people have a LITTLE bit more care when it comes to beloved franchises, a decade later. ... just a bit.
Posted by Vash on July 27, 2008
The Dark Knight
The Dark Knight not to flog a dead horse, but...

- i loved the movie, but it is not the movie people seem to think it is. i'd love to have seen it (and the box office results) in a world where ledger was still alive. plot holes, unnecessary bloat and inconsistencies create issues. hong kong sequence, vigilante subplot and constant use of "everyone is corrupt!" twists were excessive.

- "realistic batman" movies render the character of batman useless, as evidenced by the fact that the movie focuses far more on gordon, dent and the joker than it does on batman. joker still manages to work in the "realistic" realm of the movie, whereas batman merely provides the action center. all superheroes are inherently ludicrous; removing them from their fantastical habitat only serves to magnify their ridiculousness. the guy dresses up as a bat, people.

- nolan needs to learn how to zoom out. action sequences, though clearly not the focal point of the movie, were muddy. would prefer more long shots like batman gliding over hong kong, or joker hanging out of the squad car.

- the "canon" argument is null and void when dealing with a franchise that is almost 80 years old. west, burton, miller and timm all produced wildly different takes on the material, and no one would call either one into question. (as an aside, you can't use miller's versions as canon anyway, since dark knight returns was "elseworlds.")

- ledger is the definitive joker, usurping nicholson's "iconic" version, which isn't that far removed from the actor's own persona. oldman and eckhart do amazing work with the unenviable task of playing straightmen in the face of bale and ledger. as for bale, we need more bruce wayne, less batvoice.

- eric roberts!

- all things considered, the movie makes it easy to ignore its own flaws, even upon second viewings. not the best movie ever, or even the best superhero movie ever, but a damn good summer blockbuster.

- bluemeanie is a buttblasting faggot.

- k thx bye
Posted by Vash on May 25, 2008
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull i dont usually waste time picking my words carefully when commenting on everyone's favourite reviewer, but i do agree with you totally. shia elevated every scene he was in by being the only person in the movie - aside from blanchett and winstone - who seemed to give a shit that he was even there. he did amazingly well with what little he had to work with, and yeah, his character was lame to start off. the guy is great. too bad the movie isn't.
Posted by Vash on May 25, 2008
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull are you actually retarded? you even applaud "the lost world" in this review... i think that movie is unanimously written off as bullshit, just like this one will be very shortly, at least by thinking people, of which there are apparently very few. a 10/10? REALLY? how can you be a diehard fan of the first three movies and actually swallow this as a legitimate entry in the series? the shitty mummy movies are better than this. at best, the screenplay is like a shitty fanfic some dickhead wrote in his dorm room. apparently you've written similar slashfics, so i'm assuming that's why you enjoyed this. saying this compares in ANY way to even The Last Crusade is like saying Live Free Or Die Hard is just as good as Die Hard With A Vengeance. to say nothing of the fact that the very EXISTENCE of the movie is meaningless - especially when the movie only serves to neuter and defang one of the most iconic character in cinematic history. i'm not even that big a fan of the series and i'm still insulted by this movie. this doesn't even compare with the movies that ripped off indiana jones in the first place, i.e national treasure and all that awful tripe. i don't know how you consider yourself a fan of movies if you appreciate and acclaim absolute drivel like this. you can go fuck yourself once again. bye.
Posted by Vash on April 28, 2008
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Forgetting Sarah Marshall haha, actually it seems like you're the one who's taking this to heart. i wasn't aware "dick and fart" was an industry term. sorry, roger ebert, i'll try to bone up on my film jargon next time i call you out on a retarded comment. i'm not gonna go over your bullshit because i don't care enough at this point, and i have actual reviews to write, but none of your rebuttals are warranted considering you're obviously just making excuses for the points i made. good job backtracking on things you clearly did not imply with your review. you're part of the reason people hate film geeks - you're a pretentious fop who thinks he knows everything there is to know about movies. get your head out of your ass and maybe replace it with something sharp. again, and hopefully for the last time, go fuck yourself. bye!
Posted by Vash on April 28, 2008
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Forgetting Sarah Marshall here's why you're an idiot.
#1, the movie has all of zero dick and/or fart jokes, other than the obvious shots of segel's dick. no mention is made of dicks or farts, so, bye.
#2, how is peter like seth rogen's character, exactly? he's not a slacker or a stoner or a fucking idiot. he's an obsessive ex boyfriend. pretty sure none of rogen's characters fit that description.
#3, which character of seth rogen's are you even referring to? you've praised him in other reviews, yet you're generally referring to all his characters as the same? good one.
#4, it's april, dickhead. 2008 isn't over yet.
#5, way to give away the bateman cameo.
#6, how does brand's character seem over the top in a movie that features a puppet musical based on dracula?
#7, apatow fans have a "new" idol in jason segel? right, because i'm sure FANS of judd apatow's have no idea who he is.
#8, and this one isn't directly related to this review, but do you even like movies, or do you just enjoy fellating yourself with largely unfounded reviews? go watch some fellini and go fuck yourself.
kthxbi.
Posted by Vash on April 21, 2008
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
The 40-Year-Old Virgin yeah, sucks when a comedy tries to make people laugh. that's unfortunate. they should make more movies like knocked up where you care so much about the characters that you want to punch them in the face, and not laugh for 45 minutes. that's comedy, right there.
Posted by Vash on March 07, 2008
Diary Of The Dead
Diary Of The Dead this movie was fucking terrible, actually, and thats why youre an idiot.
Posted by Vash on January 11, 2008
No Country For Old Men
No Country For Old Men YOU ARE IDIOT.
Posted by Vash on October 28, 2007
Knocked Up
Knocked Up i'll admit i was expecting the movie's pacing to be a little bit different, so it was a bit jarring for me to watch at first, and this may have had an impact on how i saw the film. that being said, there was about 45 minutes where i didn't laugh once, but instead just wanted to hit one of the characters on the screen. i'm really not jiving with the whole judd apatow phenomenon, and the unbelievable amount of hype and praise around this film is just too much for me to handle. it simply is not as good as everyone's been saying it is. i understand that it's realistic and not going for cheap laughs. great. that doesn't necessarily mean it succeeds as a comedy, as i wasn't LAUGHING for a significant portion of the film. did anyone else want to punch leslie mann in the face?
Posted by Vash on October 28, 2007
Superbad
Superbad i'd really like to know exactly how much creative input judd apatow had with superbad, as i'm getting a little sick of people splooging over his name in relation to ANYTHING he's remotely connected with. PRODUCER. not writer, nor director. if someone can actually prove that he wrote a significant portion of this movie, i'll shut up. until then, i'm stating that superbad is far funnier and far more consistent in its humour than both apatow-helmed pictures [40 year old virgin & knocked up], and this might be because of [i'm betting it's directly related to] the fact that he didn't write or direct this. moving on, as funny as seth rogen is, bill hader owned this movie, in my opinion. rogen's character was way too similar to the same fat slacker dude he played in the other two movies for me to really get into, and thus, hader stole the show. enough has been said about cera and hill, and they deserve every bit of credit they get for this film. of course, people threw a bit too much praise at this film upon its release, but thankfully, a lot of it was justified, as it's a genuinely funny movie. a cultural phenomenon it isnt [morons saying "chicka-chicka-yea!" has always been and, unfortunately, will always be around], but it's certainly one of the best comedies of the year.
Posted by Vash on October 28, 2007
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
The 40-Year-Old Virgin i saw this after two years of incessant praise and insurmountable hype... so obviously i was just a tad disappointed. im one of the three people in the world who doesnt actually think judd apatow is a genius [also, whats with all the praise for movies he just produced? sure he must have a hand in these, but jesus christ, give credit where it's due], so i was expecting to be let down a bit by the movie, but even then, it just is not what people are saying it is. i enjoyed it more than knocked up, but it's just... long. and the laughs don't come too frequently. maybe it's just me, but i usually rank my comedies based on how much i laugh, and i wasn't laughing that much. *shrug* maybe i don't "get" it.
Posted by Vash on August 21, 2007
Dirty Work
Dirty Work "dr farthing, what happened to your arm?"
"well, it could have been a number of things. sleeping on it wrong, or, perhaps, being thrown out of a moving car."

"are you a betting man?"
"yeah, sure."
"well if i was in your position, i'd put all my money... on death."
"couldn't you have prepared him a little for that?"
"i thought i did with that whole betting analogy."

"why is it that when your bookey, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money? it just doesn't seem fair to me."

everything chevy chase says in this movie is gold.

"we need to check his vital signs..."
"doc, if that stethoscope is as cold as it was yesterday, i'm shoving it right up your ass!"
"...vital signs normal."
Posted by Vash on August 20, 2007
Very Bad Things
Very Bad Things bateman is GREAT. he was my favourite part of the movie. the whole thing revolves around them getting him back, and he's great. i thought he was gonna be like comic relief, which he is sort of in the beginning, but he's great. "yeah, we kind of lied on our resumes. we don't really know anything about construction." "when is lunch?" "you're fired."
Posted by Vash on August 20, 2007
Evolution
Evolution "let's shampoo us some aliens" is a line that gets quoted between me and my brother surprisingly often.
"can i get some ice cream?"
"sure, what flavour?"
"it doesn't matter. it's for my ass."
Posted by Vash on August 20, 2007
Grindhouse
Grindhouse this is a few months old but im totally with tristan on this one. i absolutely abhorred death proof both times i saw it. the first act was thoroughly enjoyable, other than the awful dialogue between the girls. the second act was just atrocious as each of the four girls made me want to punch them in the face. also, yeah, i was seriously looking forward to kurt russell getting a lot of time to be totally menacing and creepy, which was great while it lasted... but it just made me even more mad to see him hardly get any screen time. there are few movies that have made me completely angry during a viewing, and i was furious walking out of the theatre after death proof.

on a side note: i don't give a shit which one is more authentic as a "grind house" movie. i don't fucking care. if that's what a grind house movie "should" be like, then fuck them, it wasn't entertaining at all. being authentic doesn't necessarily mean it's any good. that's like saying it's not an authentic punk record if there's no double-time drumming. but that's me.
Posted by Vash on August 20, 2007
Very Bad Things
Very Bad Things also, there's a review up here too... http://www.chud.com/index.php?type=reviews&id=1142 3 . just saying, it was screened. i dunno what's up with all the bumped release dates, though. it really is a solid flick. it's not mindblowing or anything, i was just thoroughly entertained. for the most part. i dont really like jennifer garner but meh.
Posted by Vash on August 20, 2007
Very Bad Things
Very Bad Things no dude, we got screenings here a week back. a week or two. my media editor and i went, she's reviewing it, ill even post the review when its up man. but yeah, i just don't think a 2:1 ratio is basis enough to say he's a talentless director. in any case, good call on dirty work. now that is a movie people need to see.
Posted by Vash on August 17, 2007
The Waterboy
The Waterboy man, if you personally don't like adam sandler movies, then what's the point of reviewing them? everyone knows they follow a formula. that's like reviewing an ac/dc record and complaining that all the songs sound the same. comparing him to fucking jim carrey, whose shtick has remained the same since fucking in living color [and don't bring up "eternal sunshine" or any of his serious roles, please] doesn't exactly hold weight. everything sandler's done since like 2000 has blown, but this was hilarious. what's the point of reviewing a movie from 98 if you don't even like the dude? most people have seen this movie anyway and forgotten about it.
Posted by Vash on August 17, 2007
Very Bad Things
Very Bad Things dude, peter berg is awesome. friday night lights was great, and the kingdom was surprisingly solid. im assuming you haven't seen either of those or are just basing that comment off the rundown.
Posted by Vash on July 28, 2007
American Psycho
American Psycho im totally with chad on this one. the movie is way overrated, and whether or not the book is great, it doesnt change the fact that the movie sucks. you can say it's a nice visual complement to the book, but it isn't a "good movie" solely based on that.
Posted by Vash on July 02, 2007
Fight Club
Fight Club i wouldn't even consider it a "90s" movie though, it came out right at the end of 1999. obviously people won't have it on their top ten lists, the majority of the people that saw it had seen it after its theatrical run anyway. same with the matrix, it represents everything that came after it not what came before it.
Posted by Vash on June 08, 2007
Event Horizon
Event Horizon this movie ruled. i remember loving it as a kid when it came out. i liked how the people you thought were least likely to survive ended up living. also, i guess this was after paul anderson's other not terrible movie, mortal kombat... but then he made the second one. ugh.
Posted by Vash on May 31, 2007
Fight Club
Fight Club hm. where to begin. for one, panic room sucked. for another, its kind of silly to say a movie has no subtext and is all visual simply because a lot of people relate things to it that are somewhat stupid. its only overrated if it doesnt live up to its hype, which it does. shakespeare is overrated, that doesnt mean you cant find subtext within hamlet. [for the record, no, i am not comparing fight club to hamlet, please dont say anything about that.] anyway, i think this was a gross oversimplification of the movie, and im not gonna say that you missed the point because i know you know your shit, im just saying the review didn't really convey what the plot was really about, although you seem to think that it isn't about much. i dunno if you've read the book, but the entire thing is a commentary on a number of aspects of society as well as the human [i guess mostly just male] mind. yeah, the movie is definitely great just on visuals alone, but thats only BECAUSE it conveys so many different things at once, and that is why people watch it so many times. not just to see the tyler flashes, its to see what it's saying.

i know its somewhat futile and redundant to defend a movie that is already hailed as THE movie of our time, especially if you weren't even trashing it. im just saying, there's a lot more to it than what the review let on. another thing worth mentioning is that its one of the VERY few movies that manages to adapt its source material in a way that's not only faithful, but it manages to be just as good, or better, than the novel. it's the first - and, honestly, only - film that comes to mind where i can say it's equally good as the book, just on very different levels.

anyway. please dont go on and on about how im an idiot for whatever reason, im just saying. people say evil dead is over rated, that doesn't make it any less awesome, does it?



...seriously, panic room sucked. se7en rules, though.
Posted by Vash on April 29, 2007
The Naked Gun 2: The Smell Of Fear
The Naked Gun 2: The Smell Of Fear dude, this is one of my favourite movies ever, and has been since i was... probably like four years old? i could quote this thing for HOURS.
"great work, ed, this fog will carry us all the way over the lake."
"thats not fog, frank, the number two engine's on fire."
Posted by Vash on October 10, 2006
Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance
Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance saw this one a while back, and i wasnt a huge fan of it. granted i saw it after i saw oldboy, so i was expecting that calibre of filmmaking, but i just wasnt as impressed with this one. i think that might have to do with my subtitles, maybe they were a bit off, because i really had to figure what was going on out for myself because the way it flowed seemed so... not inconsistent, just weird? *shrug* the ending was still cool, nontheless.
Posted by Vash on September 12, 2006
Alien
Alien was the alien in this one actually a dude in a suit? i thought it was just a robotic model or something. either way, genius. one of the reasons ridley scott is one of my favourite directors.
Posted by Vash on September 12, 2006
Alien 3
Alien 3 i havent seen the quadrilogy cut of this one but i agree totally. this movie wasnt completely terrible, and i remember really digging the first half of it, but by the time the alien really starts showing up [maybe around the infamous shower scene?] it just fails. also, weaver just gets hard to look at when shes bald. eyugh.
Posted by Vash on September 12, 2006
Alien: Resurrection
Alien: Resurrection honestly i was a big fan of this movie. id probably give it a 7.5/10 but thats just because im a sucker for this series. i agree with most of what you said, and the character incongruencies are definitely an issue, but i think the overall vibe of the movie is highly enjoyable. ron perlman's character alone made it worth watching for me. it's the most lighthearted and straightforward of all of them, and while i agree it isnt anywhere near the first two in terms of quality, it blows the third POS out of the water, and is a much more fitting end for the series imo.

on another note, have you ever read the aliens comics from darkhorse? if youre in alien mode, which you seem to be given the reviews for all four, id highly reccomend you check it out. it basically takes place after aliens [i think it was written in the late 80s] and focuses on newt and hudson [or hicks, i can never remember] and their lives back on earth after they come back from cold soak. ripley isnt even in it for the first few issues, but its a WAY better sequel to the first two than the third movie ever was.
Posted by Vash on September 02, 2006
Aliens
Aliens you didnt mention Bill Paxton! GAME OVER MAN!
Posted by Vash on September 23, 2005
Oldboy
Oldboy aye, thoroughly enjoyed this one. very different and i definitely didnt see the ending coming.
Posted by Vash on April 06, 2005
Sin City
Sin City i thought it was cool how they split up TYB because thats my favourite storyline, so they started and ended the movie with it. but yeah, the movie should be enjoyable for anyone regardless of whether they read the comics or not.
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