Shark Attack In The Mediterranean (2004)

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Devastated by the violent death of his wife, helicopter pilot Sven Hanson helplessly watches as his personal life and business unravel. He finds renewed hope on the exotic island of Mallorca until the day his peaceful life is rocked by the appearance of a gigantic 35-foot shark. When Hanson learns that this is the same monster that killed his wife, he teams up with attractive marine biologist Julia Bennett. Together they battle the beast in a dramatic fight for survival. --IMDb
Review by Chad
Added: March 13, 2010
Another day, another megalodon, another cheesy shark attack film. Yes, tonight's film continues the streak of killer shark films that I intend to review on this site, but truth be told, I'm not sure if I'm up for it after sitting through this abomination. Shark Attack in the Mediterranean is a made-for-German-TV movie that attempts to do a lot of things during its ninety minute running time, but it manages to do absolutely none of them right. Before any of you get the mistaken impression that I'm simply a horror snob that expects perfection from these types of releases, keep in mind that I gave Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus - an ultra-cheesy movie shot on a low budget and featuring horrific acting and even worse special effects - a glowing recommendation just a few days ago. Tonight's movie? I wouldn't nominate it for movie night at Gitmo.

The storyline centers around Maja Hansen (Oona-Devi Liebich), an attractive young German lass who lives on the tiny island of Mallorca and who also has a crush on the local Spanish boy. Unfortunately for her, this fellow is dating another woman, but it seems as though he also has the hots for our heroine. The two make goo goo eyes at one another throughout the film, but who will our stud ultimately settle down with? It may be decided during the upcoming jet ski race, a race that both girls are set to compete in as the favorites to win. Can Maja overcome the odds and win the race, even though she's using a budget jet ski and her main competitor has a top-of-the-line model? Will she win the key to her dream lover's heart? Will German pop icon Jeanette Biedermann get to finish her song about the number 69? Tune in to find out!

Oh, and there's also this minor little subplot about Maja's father Sven (Ralf Moeller) attempting to kill the megalodon that ate his wife a few years ago while protecting his daughter from the dangers of the sea. He enlists the help of marine biologist Julia Bennet (Julia Stinshoff) to put the beast down, and from there... well, this is just a minor part of the movie, and the teenage love affair is the real selling point. What, were you expecting something else from a movie called Shark Attack in the Mediterranean?

As you may have guessed, the movie plays out more like an episode of Gilmore Girls than Jaws. Not only do we get to see this teen love affair blossom, but we also get to see the director's nods to finer films for no apparent reason whatsoever. Who decided that we needed Terminator 2 and Mission: Impossible references inserted into the mix? Who came up with the idea of throwing in some silly legend about drowned lovers cursing a section of the ocean? Were we really expected to care that a minor character's wife is dying of cancer? What was the deal with the obese German barbecue snob whose grilling techniques caused him to be surrounded by bikini babes? All of this should have been scrapped so that the movie could focus on the shark itself, but to do that, the movie would have had to have been released as a ten-minute short.

It's true: in a movie entitled Shark Attack in the Mediterranean, we only see about ten minutes worth of actual shark. Five minutes of that takes place in the beginning of the movie, where a group of people watch sharks from inside the safety of an underwater cage. Three minutes of the footage takes place through the window of an aquarium, and only the last two minutes are devoted to the megalodon that is supposed to be the "star" of the show. Those two minutes featured some of the worst CGI effects that I have ever seen, and again, keep in mind that I just watched The Asylum's Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus a few days ago.

As for the acting... well, I can't really comment on that. The entire movie is dubbed in English, and although the DVD does feature the original German audio track, it does not come with English subtitles. So, unless you happen to speak German, you're either going to be watching the dubbed version and listening to some horrific voice acting or watching a movie where you don't understand a word that is being said (which may have been preferable). I won't pin those faults on the actual actors who appeared in the film, but listening to a wretched dub track did absolutely nothing to heighten my enjoyment of an already dreadful film.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus was a movie that I enjoyed. Sure, it had terrible acting and was filled to the brim with pathetic CGI effects, but it was a fun little film that never took itself too seriously. The result was a movie that you could laugh along with, laugh at, and just have a good time with. Shark Attack in the Mediterranean suffers from the same faults and then some, but it actually tried to be a legitimate slice of horror and nobody behind the camera ever realized that they were shooting a piece of shit.

The end result of that blunder: a ninety minute movie that took me five hours to get through because I simply couldn't watch more than ten minutes at a time without feeling the urge to gouge my own eyes out. 1/10, and that lone point is only for the decent shark explosion at the end. Check YouTube for that five second clip if you're so inclined and avoid this movie at all costs.
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