Left 4 Head 5: The Zombie Hoard (2009)

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Overall Rating 66%
Overall Rating
Ranked #13,002
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Connections: Left 4 Dead

Blowie is back and this time she takes on the Zombie hoard as she gets trapped alone in a house and tries to protect herself. --Clips4Sale
Review by Chad
Added: July 28, 2010
In my review for Left 4 Head 4, I talked about how many page views these damned movies get. Here are "movies" - in the loosest sense of the word - that typically feature nothing more than a single sex scene, yet more people are interested in reading our thoughts on them than on just about anything else. Horror classics? Hollywood blockbusters? Hell, any other porno release? Nothing quite grabs the attention of the masses like "porn parody of a video game", and even the previous film - a film that was nothing more than thirteen minutes of a porn starlet stripping and masturbating - managed to rake in the most clicks of last week. So, not being one to disappoint, I present you with Left 4 Head 5: The Zombie Hoard and a word of advice that you can take how you will: there's still at least ten more of these movies, and as long as you kids keep clicking, I'll keep covering them.

As for the storyline, it's about as detailed and in-depth as what we've seen in the previous movies, which is to say, not very. Blowie (porn starlet Felony) has a pair of guns (and a couple of handguns as well), and she's exploring a house. She pulls back the curtains and sees a pair of bloody hand-prints on the window, and right around this point, she tosses her weapons in the trashcan because she obviously isn't going to need them. Hey, what do you know: a trio of zombies (read two men and a woman wearing cheap Halloween masks) show up and begin to fondle our poor heroine. When I say "fondle", I'm not being cute and saying "zombie gangbang!" - no, I mean, they strip her down to her birthday suit and rub her boobs, her legs, and her ass for the vast majority of the film. Blowie eventually gets turned on by it and begins rubbing herself, one of the zombies thrusts her foot into the camera in a very random appeal to the foot fetish market, and in the grand finale, one of the zombies fingers Blowie until she has a squirting orgasm. Shakespeare ain't got nothin' on this, folks.

Maybe I'm just in a good mood, but storyline deficiencies aside, this one wasn't as bad as some of the previous releases. Sure, it's the least-hardcore of them all excluding the previous movie, so fans of the ol' in-and-out will disagree with me, but at least it was more than just another porn scene. Maybe the masks sold me: they were cheap Halloween masks not unlike the kind you would pick up at Walmart, but unlike the other movies that used masks, they didn't look like they came out of the clearance aisle - perhaps they were picked up on the day before Halloween when all of the good masks were gone, but they weren't quite the bottom of the barrel either. Maybe it was the fact that I could draw some comparisons between Blowie here and Trash in Return of the Living Dead, even though I'm positive that any connections were purely unintentional. I mean, really: decent masks, memories of my favorite movie of all time, and an attractive naked woman pleasuring herself? I'm sold.

Still, I don't think that this is the kind of movie that you really need to be sold on: you either want to see a woman masturbating alongside a handful of people in Halloween masks, and thus, you will enjoy the movie, or you don't and you won't. There's no need to "give it a chance" to see if it'll change your mind and there's no twist ending to make up for the lack of a storyline: it's a (barely) hardcore porno movie, no more and no less. Personally, I enjoyed it about as much as I did the previous movie, so a 7/10 seems only fair.
Tobes #1: Tobes - added 07/28/2010, 11:08 PM
Fifth movie should get five out of ten and each sequal should get one more point from here on out.
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