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Pirates (2005)

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Overall Rating 67%
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Ranked #3,306
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Connections: Pirates

Swash and unbuckle. In 1763, the Caribbean is awash in pirates. The worst is Stagnetti, backed by his bloodthirsty first mate, Serena. He wants the Scepter of Inca, which gives its owner great powers. To remove it from remote Calaveras Island, he needs the Dagger of Ataljuapa as well as the aid of a descendant of the family to whom the Scepter was entrusted. So, he kidnaps Manuel Valenzuela, honeymooning with the lovely Isabella. On Stagnetti's trail are pirate hunters, Captain Edward Reynolds and Jules, his commander. Edward's a bit clueless, but he does rescue Isabella. Once Stagnetti has the Dagger, the stage is set for the clash of good and evil. --IMDb
Jesse Jane
Jesse Jane
Carmen Luvana
Carmen Luvana
Janine Lindemulder
Janine Lindemulder
Devon
Devon
Teagan Presley
Teagan Presley
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Review by Chad
Added: June 03, 2007
Are we here at the M and V turning into a porn review site lately or what? I just reviewed The XXXorcist a few days ago, and I've already got another one lined up for your reading and viewing pleasure. This time around, we get to witness what would happen if Jack Sparrow and the gang had been plying their trade not in a Disney movie, but in a hardcore porno flick instead.

The storyline is, as one might expect, pretty simple although there is more to it than most films of this nature. The year is 1763, and it all begins with two newlyweds - Manuel Valenzuela (Kris Slater) and Isabella (Carmen Luvana) - consummating their marriage aboard their brand new ship. Just after they've finished, a group of pirates led by Captain Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn) and Serena (Janine) board the ship, kidnap Manuel for reasons unknown at this time, sink the ship, and leave everyone else to die. Talk about a bad day to be the good guys.

Meanwhile, a pirate hunter is looking to make some sort of name for himself. Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone), the man in question, is extremely vain and confident, but he hasn't actually found any pirates or learned the seas just yet. His crew thinks that he's a putz, but his first mate (Jesse Jane) has confidence in him and thinks that he has the potential to be one of the best pirate hunters sailing the seas. When the gang finds Isabella floating in the ocean on a piece of wood and hear her story, Reynolds decides that finding and killing Victor Stagnetti would be the perfect way to make a name for himself. Also features Devon, Teagan Presley, Austyn Moore, and Jenaveve Jolie in minor "roles."

First things first: Pirates is, at its core, a hardcore porno film full of fucking and sucking that is designed to get men off. However, it does have a couple of things going for it that makes it worth a mention on this site. For starters, it's the most expensive pornographic film ever made as it cost over a million dollars to make. You can easily see where this money went, as the cast members are completely decked out in nice pirate gear and - according to the DVD case - over 300 special effects shots were used (some surprisingly good, some... not so good). It's also one of the first films to be released on high-definition DVD, and you can even purchase the CD soundtrack if you're so inclined - yes, the film features a completely original score.

I'm not going to give a - ahem - blow by blow of the actual sex scenes as most adult sites do since I don't consider that to be need-to-know information given the (relatively) non-adult nature of this site. Suffice it to say, everyone involved has at least one sex scene (most have more), and just about every "normal" position and practice that one could think of is included.

However, what I will discuss here is the actual movie that strings these scenes along. Yes, there's an actual plot here with actual character development and storyline progression, and it was actually pretty good. It's certainly not Shakespeare, but it's definitely an entertaining film thanks to a decent script and some nice action scenes (remember, I'm not talking about the sex). Aiding the film is the fact that almost everyone involved was motivated and energetic for the camera; there's a few people who seemed like they were just involved for the paycheck, but they were few and far between especially when one considers similar films from the genre. These people may not be A-list actors and actresses (they are, after all, porn stars), but I honestly couldn't complain about anyone's performance here and in fact, I really enjoyed a few of them. Evan Stone is particularly excellent as the leading man, and he could easily go on to do mainstream films if he so chose.

Pirates has won a damned impressive eleven AVN Awards - Best Video Feature, Best DVD, Best Director, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best High-Definition Production, and Best Music amongst others. I can easily see why, as this was an entertaining film not just by porn standards, but by movie standards in general. As a testament to this, if you're not exactly a fan of watching hardcore pornography, you can even pick up an R-rated cut of the film that has the sex scenes severely trimmed down so that you can enjoy the movie itself. If that doesn't prove that there's something to this, well, I don't know what does. 8/10.
Tristan #1: Tristan - added 08/12/2007, 12:28 AM
Evan Stone! YES! That guy is awesome. I haven't seen it, I just know the guy from late night movie channel softcore stuff. He did a great Hercules movie with Randy Spears, and it was hilarious.
Optimus Prime #2: Optimus Prime - added 08/12/2007, 11:52 PM
I've seen like 6 movies with Evan Stone in them on Cinemax. He's the funniest man.
Donovan #3: Donovan - added 05/30/2008, 03:58 PM
This really is a great movie...... for all the reasons stated above. It's pretty much got it all.
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