Suicide Girls Must Die! (2010)

DVD Cover (First Look Home Entertainment)
Genres / Traits: Horror, Sexploitation, Slasher Film, Reality Television
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Sarah Remetch Sarah Remetch
Amina Amina
Bailey Suicide Bailey Suicide
Bully Suicide Bully Suicide
Daven Suicide Daven Suicide
Evan Suicide Evan Suicide

3.2 / 10 - Overall Rating

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Review by Chad
Added: August 30, 2010
Suicide Girls Must Die! sounded like such a good idea on paper. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of the website and their models, but seriously... take a dozen tattooed and mostly attractive ladies, throw them in a horror movie, allow them to show their goods, splash some blood around, and call it a day. How could anybody fuck this up? I didn't expect a masterpiece when I rented this movie, but I expected some trashy fun - a sleazy slasher, maybe, or some good old-fashioned torture porn. Unfortunately, all I got out of the deal was a wasted Netflix slot.

The storyline is as such: twelve of those Suicide Girls head out to a remote section of Maine for a week, where they will be taking part in a photo shoot for a calendar. One of them goes missing... then another disappears, and then yet another (conveniently, nobody disappears before they get a dedicated nude scene). The remaining girls wonder "like, oh my God, what could have like, you know, happened" before moving on to their own nude scenes, and the film then wraps up with a twist that will make you want to kick yourself in the testicles for getting suckered into renting, purchasing, or downloading this trash. Oh, and if that doesn't sound tempting, it's all done in reality TV style, complete with shaky cams, a "confessional booth", and lots of bickering (watch the subtitles: you could make a drinking game out of the "[indistinct yelling]" text).

Look, I know what to expect from a Suicide Girls release, so seeing a bunch of random nudity did not surprise me. The first hour consists of nothing more than reality television that randomly comes to a screeching halt so that random girls can "pose for the photo shoot" and show their tits? Fuck it, just consider it to be character development. The performances turned in by the girls are so awful that I can't even call it "acting" with a straight face? To hell with it, they were hired for their tits, not for their acting chops. Still, this sounds like just about every slasher flick that came out of the eighties, so what's the problem?

Well, the problem is that this wasn't a horror film even though it sells itself as such, and since that's the only reason I picked it up, I feel cheated. Google is just a click away if I wanted to see the Suicide Girls naked, and I do believe that they have a few hundred other DVD releases that I could have chosen from. Still, putting that silly little notion aside, the film doesn't even work as a softcore release since half of it is nothing more than the girls yelling at each other while doing their best Jersey Shore impressions. I suppose the film would appeal to those of you who love Survivor but feel that it could use some more tits, but personally, I don't fall into that demographic.

So, maybe you're thinking to yourself "But Chad, it's labeled a horror movie - there has to be horror elements there, right? Even if you didn't like it, it's still there, I hope?" Sorry, that's really not the case. Here's the way the film plays out: random girl gets naked. She then disappears - she's not murdered, there's no blood, she's just not there anymore. The other girls wonder what happened to her, and then the next one gets naked. She then disappears as well. The other girls wonder what happened to her and argue about what they should do, and then the next one gets naked. She then disappears as well. Repeat this formula until the end, slap down a twist ending that completely invalidates the entire film, and smother the entire thing in shitty mallcore music that will leave your ears feeling violated. If that sounds like your idea of a fun night, Suicide Girls Must Die! is the movie for you.

I don't even want to waste any more keystrokes on this movie. Just take my word for it: it's horrible, and the only redeeming value is that it's chock-full of boobs. Even if that was enough to sell you on the disc, keep in mind that you have to wade through what seemed like an eternity of garbage to get to those scenes, so you'd be better off picking up one of the other Suicide Girls discs or just, you know, looking for the gigs of free material available online. 1/10, and that is being extremely generous.
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