The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

DVD Cover (Summit Entertainment Special Edition)
Genres: Fantasy, Romantic Fantasy, Teen Horror, Vampire Film, Werewolf Film
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David Slade David Slade
Xavier Samuel Xavier Samuel
Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart
Robert Pattinson Robert Pattinson
Billy Burke Billy Burke
Justin Chon Justin Chon
Movie Connections:
> Twilight (2008)
> The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
> The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
> The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -... (2011)
> Khaleesi's Cunt: A XXX Game Of... (2016)

5.0 / 10 - Overall Rating

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Review by Crispy
Added: December 01, 2011
And here we go: the melodrama and angst continues in part three, Eclipse. It's been decided, against Edward's wishes, that Bella is going to be turned into a vampire right after she graduates college. For once in agreement, Jacob is just as upset about this decision, and does everything in his power to try and change her mind; about that and reconsidering her choice in significant other. Amidst the two of them going back and forth, Victoria has continued her quest for revenge, amassing an army of vampires in nearby Seattle. Vampires are strongest when first turned, as the supernatural enhancements are furthered by the fact that the bodies haven't began to decay yet. Realizing the magnitude of the threat, Edward's family and Jacob's pack enter an uneasy alliance to destroy this army and protect Bella.

For the first time, the franchise has decided to throw us a bone, and we've actually got some fighting to liven things up. The big brawl at the end was nothing special, but at least it was something. Now don't get it twisted. Yes, I'll readily admit that I prefer action over romance, but I'm not saying that one is inherently better. In other words, I'm not saying that Eclipse is better than the last two entries "just because there's action". I'm saying that the romance angle of this franchise is so poorly plotted, so atrociously acted, so incredibly insulting to the intelligence that anything that serves as a distraction from that mess is an absolute Godsend. The key to all of this failure is that bitch, and I place equal blame on both Kristen Stewart and Bella Swan. Like many have pointed out before me: what is the fucking appeal? This broad flat out doesn't have a personality, unless you count standing there awkwardly. All the god damned time. And she's not even hot, so she brings absolutely fuck-all to the table. And yet, we're treated to a two hour pissing contest between two immortal creatures that could likely have just about any chick they wanted. And I do mean pissing contest; my eyes were dizzy by movie's end from rolling so much with these two whiny pansies. Cap it all off with a "bonding" moment in a tent that could only have been more homoerotic if it had ended in fellatio.

On the up side, we've fleshed out a few supporting characters that were pretty much ignored in the first two offerings: mainly members of Jacob's family. Jasper got the most generous helping, as his early years as a vampire serves to be a vital key later in the movie. While not as relevant, Rosalie also gets a chance to tell her story, and it does wonders in giving dimension to what was previously a flat and horribly clichéd character. Perhaps you're clever enough to realize that this positive point is likewise a distraction from that trainwreck of a triangle?

At times I can make out an inkling of an almost-interesting story beneath all the nonsense, but you'd need a backhoe to clear it all out of the way. So yeah, it's the best Twilight movie of the series, but what's that line about winning the Special Olympics? 2/10. Preteens suck.
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