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Dracula 3000 (2004)

DVD Cover (Lions Gate)
Movie Connections:
Dracula
> Nosferatu (1922)
> Dracula (1931)
> House Of Frankenstein (1944)
> House Of Dracula (1945)
> Horror Of Dracula (1958)
> The Brides Of Dracula (1960)
> Mad Monster Party (1967)
> Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971)
> Blood For Dracula (1974)
> The Monster Squad (1987)
> Dracula (1992)
> Dracula 2000 (2000)
> Van Helsing (2004)
> Dracula 3000 (2004)

Van Helsing
> Dracula (1931)
> The Brides Of Dracula (1960)
> The Monster Squad (1987)
> Dracula (1992)
> Dracula 2000 (2000)
> Van Helsing (2004)
> Dracula 3000 (2004)
> Stan Helsing (2009)
Genres:
Horror, Vampire Film
Director:
Darrell Roodt Darrell Roodt
Starring:
Casper Van Dien Casper Van Dien
Erika Eleniak Erika Eleniak
Coolio Coolio
Alexandra Kamp Alexandra Kamp
Grant Swanby Grant Swanby

2.7 / 10 - 8 votes

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In the year 3000, the deep space salvage ship Mother III locates the vanished starship Demeter in the Carpathian System. Captain Abraham Van Helsing and his crew composed of the blonde assistant Aurora Ash; the crippled navigator Arthur "The Professor" Holmwood, who believes that he is a genius; the strong and dumb Humvee; the intern Mina Murry; and the drug addicted 187, decide to claim the possession of Demeter. While exploring the spacecraft, they see a tape of fifty years ago of Captain Varna telling that he was locked in his cabin since his crew was acting weird after getting a cargo of coffins in Transylvania station. When 187 decides to search in the coffins for some possible hidden dope, he cuts his hand and his blood awakes Count Orlock, a.k.a. Count Dracula. When Aurora discloses who Dracula is, the survivors try to find a way to destroy the vampire. --IMDb
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Review by Chad
Added: December 12, 2004
Taking place in the year 3000 (go figure), our feature film tells the story of six people aboard an outer-space scavenging ship that come across a deserted ship floating towards earth. Our crew, led by Captain Abraham Van Helsing (Casper Van Dien), decide to commandeer this ship and sell it back on earth. Rounding out his group are 187 (Coolio), a drug-abusing gangsta fellow; Humvee (Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr.), your typical muscle-bound brawler; Professor (Grant Swanby), a wheelchair-bound computer geek; Mina (Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld), a navigator who doesn't really do much navigating; and finally, Aurora (Erika Eleniak), a captain in training. As the group makes their way through the ship, we keep seeing little pieces of a video diary left by Captain Varna (Udo Kier), the former captain of this ship; seems like there was a bit of an epidemic, everyone on board died, and the captain lost control of the ship. Our heroes don't see this video footage, this is just for the benefit of us viewers. Anywho, it turns out that the ship is infested with vampires (though we only see one native to the ship), led up by Dracula himself (Langley Kirkwood). Dracula comes from the vampire planet of Transylvania in a far off galaxy, but the planet is dying off, so Dracula is headed towards earth to repopulate the vampire race. However, Dracula knew that this descendant of Van Helsing would show up on the ship, so he waited around to finish off the bloodline once and for all. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but that's how our feature film shapes up.

The storyline, if you couldn't tell, takes a backseat to everything else found here. There's large chunks of story that make zero sense, holes large enough to drive a semi through, and enough loose ends to make one go crazy. After the whole vampire revelation is made, the remainder of the movie mainly consists of everyone running, hiding, debating, someone dies, and then repeat all of the above until we're presented with one of the single-most worst endings of cinematic history. Then, there's the script. With such gems as:

"He wants to kill you!"
"No, I think he wants to titty-fuck you!"

...and the unforgettable:

"I ever tell you how many times I see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas? Or the times I stayed up late, high as a kite in a non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda and dreamed about your Snow White ass?"

Needless to say, the script comes in right around the same place as the storyline in terms of quality. Most of the dialog seems to be completely ad-libbed, with little in the way of acting ability or entertainment. Really, a huge portion of the lines deal with the black guys making sexual jokes towards the white chicks, then griping about how the black guys always get dumped on in life, and how they need to stick up for one another. If this movie was played out as a comedy, I could almost forgive it... but sadly, everything tries to be dead serious, if you'll pardon the pun. The action segments of the movie don't fare much better, with a grand total of one vampire who gets a bit of time, one who gets thirty seconds of time, and Dracula himself, who mainly runs around and looks like Forest Gump in a Halloween costume (thanks to Dread Central for that dead-on comparison). When you take into consideration the fact that the vampire that gets the most time is Coolio, and then consider that the quotes above (and many similar ones) is about all he manages to do with his vampire time, and, well, I think you get the picture.

Stay far, far away from this movie, no matter how enticing that (admittedly, nice) cover may be. I'm as much a fan of the "so bad, they're good" variety of films as the next geek, but this one doesn't even make it into that category... this is just bad. 0/10.
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