Vampire Killers (2009)

DVD Cover (The Weinstein Company)
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Their women having been enslaved by the local pack of lesbian vampires thanks to an ancient curse, the remaining menfolk of a rural town send two hapless young lads out onto the moors as a sacrifice. --IMDb
Silvia Colloca
Silvia Colloca
Margarita Hall
Margarita Hall
Sianad Gregory
Sianad Gregory
Mathew Horne
Mathew Horne
Lucy Gaskell
Lucy Gaskell
Review by Chad
Added: June 07, 2011
Vampire Killers, formerly known as Lesbian Vampire Killers, is a horror / comedy movie out of the UK featuring a pair of buddies who like to hang out at the local pub until they are forced to do battle with the undead. One of the buddies is a crude, loud-mouthed fat guy and the other is a skinny, slightly loser'ish guy who has just been dumped by his girlfriend. Does any of this sound familiar at all? Alright, so it's a Shaun of the Dead clone, I can look past that; after all, this wasn't the first movie to copy the formula, although it may have been the most blatant. Still, let's see how well it stands up on its own, shall we?

We begin back in the olden days, where a powerful vampire named Carmilla (Silvia Colloca) is terrorizing the local village, making out with all of the local girls (she's a lesbian, get it?), and sucking their blood. Everything is going smoothly for her, up until a templar steps in and kills her with a cock-handled sword. No, seriously - it's a sword with a dildo for the handle, named, creatively enough, the Dialdo. Before she dies, however, she lays a curse on the village and the templar alike: every woman in the town will turn into a lesbian vampire on her eighteenth birthday, and when the templar's bloodline returns to the village and something something female virgin (the curse gets a little hazy), Carmilla will be reborn.

Present day, poor Jimmy (Mathew Horne) has just been dumped by his girlfriend, while his obnoxious pal Fletch (James Corden) has just been fired from his job as a clown for punching a child in the face. The two are drowning their sorrows at the local pub, when Jimmy gets a brilliant idea: he will throw a dart at the map conveniently located on the wall, and wherever fate guides the dart, the two will set out for and spend the weekend hiking. It's a cheap vacation, the two will spend quality time together, and hey, they might even score... a perfect plan, right?

The dart lands on the little village known as Cragwich, and if you've been paying attention, you'll probably guess that Jimmy is the last of the templar's bloodline and this is the town that he has to return to in order to set the curse into motion. They stumble across a van full of attractive foreign exchange students - Lotte (MyAnna Buring), Anke (Louise Dylan), Trudi (Ashley Mulheron), and Heidi (Tiffany Mulheron) - they meet the local "crazy" Vicar (Paul McGann) who knows all about the curse but is dismissed by everyone, and yes, they even encounter a pack of lesbian vampires. Will our heroes be able to save the day? Will Jimmy find a new love amongst the hotties? Will Fletch be able to turn a gay girl straight? Watch and find out!

I'm going to be honest with you dear readers: I had high hopes for this movie. I didn't know that it was such a blatant copy of Shaun before I popped it in, but even if I had... well, it's a horror / comedy buddy film with lesbian vampires. Really, how can you screw this up? You come up with some witty jokes, you throw in some hot women and a little T&A, round it out with some vampire gore, and bam: a fun, low-brow slice of entertainment. Do it right, and it could be the vampire compliment to Shaun.

That's not quite how it worked though. For starters, most of the humor simply falls flat. Oh, sure, there are some giggles here and there and there are even a few gut-busters to be found (I loved the gay werewolf), but a good deal of the gags simply weren't funny, or worse, they were kind of funny... the first time they appeared. Once they got ran into the ground, they sort of lost their charm. Fletch is a cowardly asshole who really doesn't care about his "best" friend: it was sort of funny the first time, it drew a chuckle the second time, and every other time, it just felt like a tired rehash of a mediocre joke. That is but one example, and unfortunately, a lot of the humor found here wasn't even "sort of funny" - it was just sort of there.

On the "horror" side of things, the film doesn't fare much better. The vampires are portrayed as weak creatures who can be disposed of with minimal effort, and thus, the tension is never allowed to build. Even a huge pack of them are no match against a petite blonde with an axe, and the all-powerful queen she-bitch Carmilla? Dead in three minutes. Also, there is no gore to make it a fun night in that regard, as the vampires bleed what looks to be semen; even one of the characters is disappointed in this turn of events as evidenced by his "What, no bloody explosion, no burning away to ash?" line.

T&A? Again, nothing. There is a five-second shot of breasts at the beginning of the film and a "blink and you'll miss it" glimpse in the middle, but otherwise, the film is content to show nothing more than a few peeks of ample cleavage. Sure, the girls are attractive, and true, you don't need tits to sell a movie... but from a movie originally entitled Lesbian Vampire Killers, I sort of expected a little more from this department.

Vampire Killers is not an outright horrible movie, but it is a weak one. Shaun of the Dead was great because it was a legitimate horror flick with a ton of great laughs and a lovable set of heroes. This movie settled for being a mediocre horror movie with a couple of decent laughs and a so-so set of heroes. It's not horrible and it may be worth a rental if you're a hardcore fan of this formula and if you love vampire movies, but everyone else would be better served by simply revisiting Shaun. 4/10.
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