When Susie arrives at Crystal Lake Nudist Camp to be the resident masseuse, she meets the randy young camp owner Kyle, who can't wait to get an orgy going with his nymphomaniac staff and guests. But when people start inexplicably disappearing, Susie and Kyle are forced to fight for their survival, coming face to face with the flesh-eating semen of the legendary Jason himself!
It's been a while since I've reviewed one of these porn parodies, but I keep coming back to them simply because of how popular they are on this site. I review some random movie - it gets a respectable number of hits. I review some random porno flick - the hits go through the roof. I have no idea why you people are so interested in my thoughts on adult entertainment, but since you are, I guess that I'll indulge you every now and then. Tonight's film is a porno parody of Friday the 13th, because what movie screams for a porno version more than one about a retarded kid in a hockey mask chopping people up with a machete?
We begin with a young lady named Susie (Sara Sloane) showing up at the Crystal Lake Nudist Camp, where she will serve as the resident masseuse. It doesn't take long before she hears the stories about Jason, a man with a dick so big that he sank to the bottom of the lake while attempting to swim. Now, the legends say, he stalks the camp with his gigantic cock and his jizz that has fermented for so long that it is acidic in nature and will burn flesh from bone. From there... well, it's a porno parody with five sex scenes and a bit of story thrown in for good measure. Also appearing are Courtney Cummz, Asa Akira, Kagney Lynn Karter, Brooklyn Lee, and Brooke Lee Adams.
The last porno flick that I watched was the Halloween parody, and surprisingly enough, I really enjoyed that one. It was the perfect combination of "porn" and "parody", with plenty of the former for us perverts and an honest-to-goodness storyline to keep things moving along. Hell, if you cut out the sex scenes, it still would have been a pretty good movie - not a masterpiece, granted, but entertaining for fans of the Halloween series. I was hoping that the Friday the 13th parody would follow suit, but unfortunately, it didn't.
The problem is simple: this telling of the Friday the 13th story is about ninety-five percent porno and five percent story. Naturally, I knew going in that there would be numerous explicit sex scenes and I was fine with that, but I was also expecting something more from the "parody" side of things. The running time included a bunch of the traditional fuck 'n suck sequences, with a threesome thrown in just to spice things up. If I had just wanted to see a bunch of random sex scenes, I'm sure that I could have found something a little more appealing to my particular tastes, and while there was nothing wrong with the scenes found here, I was hoping for something to compliment them. Halloween XXX told a legitimate story while still throwing in the hardcore porn; Friday the 13th XXX was just a collection of random sex scenes with a guy in a hockey mask hanging around so that the movie could live up to the title.
I will say that the little bit of story that we did get was fairly entertaining. I thought that the revised Jason mythos was pretty funny, and it was a good way to get around the whole "Jason was a kid when he drowned" thing that would have been questionable in a movie like this. I'll also give the filmmakers credit for filming the movie in a setting that looked straight out of a real Friday the 13th flick, and hell, I'll even give Sara Sloane a nod for being a pretty good actress in her non-sex scenes.
Unfortunately, there's just not enough material here to justify a recommendation to anybody except for those who just want to see some garden-variety porn sequences. Even the kills, an aspect of the movie that could have been pretty entertaining in this environment, were lackluster. The "arrow through the neck" gag is shown through stop-motion photography and is decent at best, while the rest of the kills are either incredibly lame (Jason "shoots a load" on somebody and they simply stop moving) or take place off screen with nothing more than a scream to signify a death.
All things considered, I'm going with a final rating of 3/10. Go ahead and tack on another four points if you're just in the market for some general smut, but those of you looking for something more would be well-advised to look elsewhere. I recommend the aforementioned Halloween XXX if you want to see how a porn parody should be done, and the Saw parody was also pretty good.
- added 09/22/2012, 07:30 AM
So does Jason get his freak on here or not?
- added 09/22/2012, 02:29 PM
He jerks his dick and "cums" all over
some people, that's the extent of it.
- added 10/14/2012, 01:38 AM
Awesome! Dude splats huge loads all over