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Sorority House Vampires From Hell (1998)

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Directors:
Geoffrey de Valois Geoffrey de Valois
Eugene James Eugene James
Starring:
Kathy Presgrave Kathy Presgrave
Penny Lynn Penny Lynn
Eugenie Bondurant Eugenie Bondurant
Yvette Davis Yvette Davis
Shay Moore Shay Moore

1.7 / 10 - Overall Rating

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Genres: Horror, Horror Comedy, Vampire Film
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Review by Chad
Added: April 15, 2007
There's this guy that I know who is almost as much a fan of bad horror movies as I am. We both purchase a lot of really horrible movies, and it's become a bit of a running gag for us to find the most awful, vile films imaginable and pass them on to one another in an attempt to "outdo" the prior trades. When he brought over Sorority House Vampires From Hell, I thought I was in for an easy night; after all, this is the movie that promises "Death, Demons, and D-Cups", and who doesn't love all of the above? Well, let's just put it like this: never before have I wanted to beat someone in the face with a brick as much as when the credits rolled on this piece of shit.

The storyline is incomprehensible, and honestly, I have no clue what was going on. There's something in the beginning about an alien or a demon or something named Rabaalhazor (who sounds like he should be serving fortune cookies at City Wok) who... well, I don't know, but he's there. This somehow leads us to an anorexic woman who is in dire need of a sandwich rising from the dead and sucking the blood from a surfer guy and a valley girl. We then learn that she needs to drink the blood of nine people in order to... do something or other... and there just so happens to be a gang of sorority girls nearby. Oh, and her vampire husband is locked in a room where he is constantly tripping over his own feet and acting like an idiot. There you have it: the "plot" of Sorority House Vampires From Hell.

This horrible movie begins with a naked, big-busted Asian woman dancing around to some shitty metal music while flashy lights and computer-generated worm-things pulsate around her. Now, I love naked women. I love Asian women. I love big tits. I really love naked Asian women with big tits. However, ten minutes of her posing for the camera just didn't cut it for me. You think that it's finally over when the song ends, but at that point, another shitty song begins so that she can pose some more. I never thought that I'd have to fast-forward through gratuitous nudity, but this movie proved me wrong in that regard.

Then we get to the meat of the movie, which isn't a whole lot better. It's supposed to be a horror comedy, but the jokes are about as funny as finding out that you have testicular cancer as well as AIDS and herpes. Putting tap-water in a condom and drawing a cross on it makes it holy water! HA HA! Barbies can be used as voodoo dolls! MY SIDES! A wooden beam fell on the geeky-looking vampire's head! There's three endings, just like in Wayne's World! Please, won't somebody make this stop?

How about the audio and video quality? Now, I'm not a snob when it comes to how a film is shot; I don't care if it's on film, digital video, or a bunch of stick-figures in a flip book. If a movie is good, then the technical merits simply don't matter to me. This, however, was a new low even by low-budget standards. The film looks as though it was shot with a bargain-basement webcam, and there are times when the picture is so washed out that I had to wonder if they were attempting to shoot the scene in black-and-white. The audio is equally bad, as at least half of the dialogue is muffled so bad that you can't even make out what the people are saying (not that it'd matter anyway, thanks to the horrible script).

I've seen a lot of bad movies. Let me repeat that: I've seen a LOT of bad movies. Got that? Now, I am going to go on record as saying that this is officially the worst movie that I have ever seen. That should tell you something right there, if you've seen some of the other garbage that I've reviewed for this site. 0/10.
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